I had an episode recently.
That’s how I describe my depression – in episodes.
I am one of those “lucky” depressed people who knows the source of their depression. Mine stems from wacky hormones (the official description my doctor gave it) and chronic pain.
I know not everyone is so lucky. Hundreds and thousands of people suffer from depression and often have no idea why.
When I have my episodes, for the most part I feel I can just ride them out. Meanwhile, these thoughts keep circling in my mind:
“I just don’t want to live anymore.”
“This isn’t worth it.”
“I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.”
Ad infinitum, which is just a fancy Latin way of saying there are endless similar phrases that come to mind.
This last time I believe was brought about by a prescription change with my thyroid medication. I was lucky enough to catch it and stop the medication after only a couple days of suffering, but meanwhile I hit a new rock bottom that I hadn’t been near in a while. I got to the point where I Googled: “Easy ways to kill myself”
I wanted to know how to commit suicide without too much pain, and I was kind of curious what kind of person was writing about that on the internet.
I have Googled (web searched) similar things before. When I was on Topomax for a week, I tried to find out if it were possible to overdose on it. That might seem innocent enough, but in my mind I was hoping I had a big enough prescription for it. Good thing I didn’t.
You Are Not Alone
As an affiliate marketer, I get access to some pretty interesting data and statistics.
After having my own little Google episode, I was kind of curious how many others are Googling similar things. I was truly shocked, although I don’t know why, to see so many similar searches being done.
I found that a monthly average of 647,559 people are searching some term with the keywords “kill myself.”
For example, there were 238 people who searched “I need kill myself,” 128 people searched “I really want kill myself,” 107 people searched “painless way kill myself,” and 152 people searched “kill myself painlessly.”
In the same vein, 981 people searched “I just want to die” – I’m pretty sure I searched that one myself – and a whopping 6311 people searched “How to commit suicide.”
It makes me sad to think that there are so many people like me who have similarly depressing moments, and I can only hope that a majority of them find something that keeps them from going through with it. I know that in our hearts, most of us want to find a reason to live.
Further evidence of this is the 295 people who searched “Why shouldn’t I kill myself,” the 96 who searched “How to not commit suicide,” and the 270 who searched “How to stop suicidal thoughts,” among other more positive searches.
The bottom line is there are a lot of people in the same boat. Suicide is not necessarily the answer.
A Video to Help You Beat Suicidal Thoughts
As I began to return to “normal” and come out of my latest depression, I was sent a video by an online acquaintance. I suppose I could call her a friend at this point.
My online friend was trying to inspire me, and I’m not sure if it was inadvertently or perhaps she did perceive the mental anguish in my recent posts, but she touched on the subject of depression and suicide just by sending me this video link.
The message is extremely powerful overall, but the line that stands out clearest to me is:
Life is worth living when you find purpose. – Nick Vujicic
I hope you watched the video, because it immediately made me feel better and stronger.
Nick Vujicic was born and has had to live without legs and arms. If there is anyone I can understand wanting to die it’s someone who is that different and has to suffer through that from a young age.
Nick saw the pain that his death might cause his family and friends, and this helped him stop from killing himself at age 10. Eventually he found his purpose, and now he works to inspire others and is extremely happy doing so.
It’s humbling to think that I have any real good reason to put my family and friends through any such anguish or loss. So my purpose has become “to not die so I don’t hurt them.” But am I really happy with that?
Okay, so finding a purpose in life might not be like making instant Jell-O.
(Oh, my. Doesn’t cherry Jell-O sound amaaaazing right now?)
Following your heart might take getting past this moment and really taking some time to reflect.
I have had this feeling since I was very young that I have a very important purpose. It’s along the lines of helping people, but I haven’t nailed it down yet. Society and life has led me in so many directions that sometimes I feel lost.
But it really helps to know that I do have a purpose.
I’m here for a reason, and so are you.
I’m going to take Nick’s advice and try to nail mine down a bit better by following my heart. If you are at the point where you are considering death as a better option to life, perhaps you need to find your purpose, too.
But first, let’s get you past this moment right now.
Suicide Prevention Resources
If you really are seriously contemplating suicide, and the video above isn’t enough to help you ride this out, please take some advice and try one of the following:
1. Call the suicide prevention line: 1-800-273-8255
These people are great. They will listen to you. They will not judge you. I’ve spoken to them a few times and it’s been nothing but helpful. It’s also 100% confidential if you want it to be.
2. If you can’t call, click to access the Suicide Prevention Lifeline Chat. This link also leads to a ton of great resources and inspiration if you need it.
3. If you can’t bring yourself to get outside help, get inside help. Stay with your family or a friend. You don’t have to tell them why, just keep them near.
I have personally found it beneficial to let my family know about my episodes so that they can keep an eye on me when I am clearly down-and-out.
Once you’re feeling better, go find your purpose in life.
What I Learned from Google in the End
Googling about how to die has only taught me how painful it is both physically and mentally. There is no easy or natural way to do it while avoiding pain and suffering, I promise you. It’s gross.
Beyond that, it’s taught me that more people want you and me to live than we can possibly know. There is inspiration everywhere pushing us to continue creating life.
If I can help one person to take a different direction, maybe that’s my purpose. So I’ll just leave this here for you to read.