All week long, just like most people, I’ve been looking forward to the weekend and all I thought I would accomplish.
But the weekend got here and I woke up unable to move. I’m exhausted and fatigued after 10 hours of sleep, and every movement makes me want to hurl.
As I struggle to be myself, with a body that won’t cooperate, I’m trying to accept and adapt to the fact that this is what it’s like for me right now. Whatever is happening between my endometriosis treatments and my Hashimotos or hypothyroidism, or whatever ism is ailing me, I don’t feel like a person today.
I am watching the world expand and grow at a rate that’s hard to comprehend, considering where we came from decades ago. My blogger friends seem to get their posts up daily, and I watch as they grow and expand on social media at unprecedented rates, while trying not to turn green from envy.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to fit in with some form of normalcy that I probably need to accept doesn’t exist for me. It’s like friggen’ high school all over again, right?
Everyone has such beautiful photos of their life, but the beauty I’m able to find is hard to express in photos and words. It’s buried under massive pain and effort and my true goal is to help others who feel like this know that they are not alone.
The thing is, I’m one of those people who can put on a bunch of make up, get the perfect lighting, and perfect angle, and look like I belong in the category of beautiful people. But it takes too much work and doesn’t always feel authentic.
Since my decline in health, I don’t know if I have the energy for that anymore.
I would like to start representing the group of people who are more like me. I want to share my wisdom and experience to help people. I don’t want to care what I look like, but I worry that if I don’t care then people won’t listen.
So it’s something I’m working on.
I thought I should share these unflattering angles to highlight my very wide neck due to my thyroid nodules. I had a young student nurse get excited when she had the chance to hold my neck and feel my thyroid nodules. It was the first time I was able to admire their existence. #thyroidnodules #hypothyroidism #hashimotos #admiration #gratitude #loveyourself ❤
affirmations and meditation
I’ve been practicing different ways to cope and found some success through affirmations – which is basically just stating what I want to believe is the truth about who I am and what I can achieve and postulating it into existence – and it’s actually helping.
I AM STRONG
I AM CAPABLE
I AM CONFIDENT
I also started meditating – which really is just clearing your mind and attempting to exist in and of yourself without anything extraneous. This has also been extremely helpful, although clearing one’s mind of all thought is definitely a hard thing to do. I’m grateful to have had some practice with this throughout my life.
I recently started following some YouTubers who provide mediums and exercises to help people learn how to use affirmations and mediation. It’s helpful, but it’s also discouraging.
These people on YouTube, the popular ones, are so good-looking and over the top with energy!
Perhaps that’s what living a life of yoga and “clean” eating can do for you, or perhaps there isn’t yet a representation for chubby girls with thyroid disorders who have no energy to beautify, but also want to experience their own Nirvana and share it with the world.
The most important thing I’m looking to do is find the beauty in myself and everything around me. And although there has been definite change over the past several years, there is still a popular idea of what beauty is that is holding me back.
You see, no matter how much we say, “it’s okay to be whatever size or shape you are,” I can pull up the social media accounts of any one of my typically gorgeous and fit friends and see that they have hundreds more followers than the rest of us. They aren’t really doing anything different, but their beautiful profile pictures seem to just attract people to them.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s just a matter of self-confidence. I think it definitely could be.
Perhaps these people, who have always been easily liked and befriended, are simply confident because the world responds positively to them.
So then, could manifesting self-confidence bring this about for me? I don’t know if I have the energy for that either. I can barely think, today.
Anyway, it’s something I’m going to have to learn to work with, but I’m not discouraged. And neither should you be.
Are you being your 100% true self on social media, or is it just a projection of who you want people to see?
Comments bring luck.
(In full transparency, I often accidentally say, “comments bring lunch,” but I figure people would prefer if they bring luck. Let me know if you’d rather have lunch.)